REPRESENT JUSTICE X JR: TEHACHAPI
I think I'm just mostly processing why I'm getting emotional. I think it's because... There was a lot of times that being here one day was foolish to believe could be possible. And so with everything, being free, all the success that's in the near future, and even just simply just seeing family, being with them in the little moments, once felt very foolish for believing could be possible but it was possible and it is real. I would say that what brought such dark times was at five years old, I was molested by a 13 year old boy and didn't know how to understand that. In my family, there was a perception of, if you showed any emotion, or didn't know what to do with yourself or in certain situations, then you were weak, then I was weak. If I didn't know how to hide emotions properly, then I was weak. That I wouldn't be a man ever. And at five years old, anything that looked weak was easily described as cowardice, or if any sensitivity, as such, as being emotional. I was a very emotional little boy, very sensitive, music, movies, loved them, right? Precious little boy.
However, in the environment that I grew up in, in the family that raised me, is they had been through so much that being sensitive was a threat to being able to live, being able to survive. So emotions needed to be shut off as much as possible. Of course with the men that was a given, the women had come to a point where they were numb as well, settling for what looked like love in that realm.
So as I became a teenager, believed that violence was the number one solution for everything. If I didn’t know a answer in class, I would rather act aggressive, act out violently, get in trouble for something, than to let everyone see that I was dumb, or stupid, or something for not knowing the answer to a question. So of course, delinquency and all those types of things came natural, at least I perceived it to be natural at that time and the anger and resentment ruled my mind toward my family, for them being the ones that didn’t necessarily love me or accept me.
As much as I felt that I had no one that I could run to, or I believe that, I perceived it that way, I also was angry at the people that I really wanted to say something to and feeling like I couldn’t. So I wouldn’t speak with my mother. I wouldn’t open up to my father. People like teachers, counselors, social workers, they weren’t people to trust either because in this crazy conundrum of … I’m to only trust my family and anything outside of that is … I’m to never to trust.
So for a five year old boy to be trying to understand what happened to him, to fear that confusion in his mind is a weakness, which would possibly mean that I would never become a man, or be loved like the men in my family. They’re loved for… they’re not confused. They know exactly what to do. They’re not afraid of anything. They’ll face any and everyone and protect this family and the neighborhood or whatever it was. I just knew that I needed to be like them as much as possible. With all my might, I wanted to be seen as my uncles, as my brother, as my cousins, and unfortunately the way that they lived was, like I said, I described earlier, the women in my family settled for what looked like love, or was good enough. So they would be loved by my grandmother, who I’ve learned… and just with retrospect, it’s like my grandmother was so exhausted with worrying every night that my cousin, my… her grandsons or her sons would be murdered in the middle of the street somewhere.
So the fact that they were gone all week and then they finally show up, she’s showing them all this love, which I perceived like, “Oh, they’re loved because they’re gangsters,” or whatever. No, it was her just being so happy that they made it home and so there was food. “Hijo, do you need a shower? Here I bought you tank tops and boxers and socks.” Stafford, that was the good stuff, thick shirts. But I realized over the years and through my incarceration that it wasn’t her loving them for that negative aspect. It was her so desperate for them to be safe, that little glimpses of them being safe was all that she was celebrating and that’s sad.
When that finally hit me, it then led me to be able to understand that, what wasn’t I able to really perceive properly, which then led me to understand molestation and how to forgive the five year old little boy within myself because I had been keeping a secret, not trusting anyone in my family to open up to about it and it’s been eating me ever since. I feared that it made me weak. I feared that it made me… I didn’t understand how gay worked. So did that boy make me gay? And led my life in the streets trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay, that I wasn’t weak, all these things all went together for a very sad reason and then come to find out as I get to know who I truly am and how to forgive the little boy, how to forgive the boy that molested me, because it was a cycle that was just continuing, that there was something I’d been born into way before I was born.
Way before that, my grandmother was able to understand anything in her own life that something had been happening. Trauma, pain, sweeping things under the rug, not facing them. Selfish choices that led to just affecting others down the way, the next generation, just because it made it easier for whoever it was that made that choice at that time. Finally started being able to learn how to love myself, learn that I was very loved, just life had exhausted all those that loved me and they weren’t necessarily able to show it as much as they would have liked to.
So it became about forgiving them. At one point it even became about just hate, like having hatred towards the concept of pain, that it exists. Trauma, wanting that to just be done with, live in that world, no more pain. Led me to start embracing that pain has an importance as well. It teaches, it enlightens, it’s not evil, it’s not black and white like that.
It’s the key ingredient to life and if I’m not thankful for the pain, then how much am I actually really grateful for the joy in my life? That led me to being able to pour that into songwriting, find that coping skill into that, then the whole… everything I’ve just explained, reflecting on all of it and coming to that dialogue in my own head, in my heart was pouring out in song. Song after song and finally brought me back to the little boy that I always was meant to be. My grandmother’s grandson, my mother’s son, who was precious, who was loved. And that I had made very horrible choices in my life, but they didn’t have to define who I am and I can move forward and hopefully be of service and share a story that hopefully encourages others to do the same. Maybe then things can balance out one day.
As long as I stay balanced on my day, one day at a time, then maybe, just maybe, when I’m gone, that’s what will be said. Not just the little small glimpses, whether good or bad in my life, but overall totality, that the whole movie was good. That’s great, that’s it.
I do have something acapella that probably will go good. It’s more spoken word I guess, but… it’s called “Instrumental”.
“I am the instrument. My intent is to reconnect the disconnected and redefine what’s intimate. That’s why I look you in the eyes and commit to it. Sometimes you got to let love overthrow intellect. So if we don’t chop, it’s probably because you’re not too into that. It’s not your fist that make you a man, bro. It’s your wits, no, I ain’t trying to hate. It’s just this food for thought is such an acquired taste, I got to feed your ass in increments. Look, if you’re wondering why bystanders can’t take their eyes off me, it’s because I’ve been killing them softly. When you won’t get the hint, I could spark a ride inside your heart for the Messiah, yet you’d rather stay in isolated incident. Ain’t that some… and I bet you think just because I cussed, I must be ignorant, huh? As if this tongue is not the one you should be hearing this from. But ignorance was my first language and accents tend to resurface when we’re drunk and I’m drunk off the spirit of love because nothing can separate me from the one who’s second to none when it comes to kingdom come. You feel them tubs upon them strings, then it’s begun. So shall it be written. So shall it be done.”